Saturday, June 21, 2008
i'm blogging. this gives u a clue doesn't it? i'm back in adelaide and that stupid very very depressed feeling is gripping me again as usual, refusing to let go.
"Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." that's my new MSN nick/comment/whatever you want to call it. it's meant to be about relationships i'm guessing, but it can't be over in my case cos there's nothing to be over abt? confusing? ok, i'm single. sorts out the confusion there....=p i guess it applies to all things too, especially something good, some dose of positivity is always helpful i guess. at the moment i'm finding it hard to find the =) in my life.... i dun hate my course dun get me wrong, i absolutely love it, but i just hate being away from home. maybe my personality as such doesn't permit me to do it? cos i see everyone around me coping fine, some haven't even been home in a yr and they're ok.... why can't i just be "normal"?
a lot of people think i should be a lot happier or i am a lot happier than i actually feel inside. some say cos of my decent grades and situation overall i should be happy. well, grades doesn't make up all of happiness for one. i'd say on a scale of 1 to 10, i'm now a 3? my baseline will prob be around a 6 or 7? it's not fair to say now cos of the sian-ness and depression in me now. there is so many things i hope i can do better as a person, been trying, but hasn't always worked out well i guess?
i was reading this article linked to my mailbox for us meddies abt finding love during training. well, i'll state for now i'm emotionally unavailable cos my heart already belongs to someone and she knows that. but anyway, it said some interesting pts which i'm determined to take on board in a way, most importantly loving yourself and respecting yourself. off the cuff i might say that i do that, but seriously, when i look down deep inside, i think i still have a bit of a low self esteem,not liking myself all that much.... they say such things may not be obvious to oneself but tends to stand out when others see u? so new resolution i guess is to love myself more essentially... and stop belittling myself....=S as long as i dun become a megalomaniac, that should be healthy....=p
the trip home has been way too short, but now have to get moving on the final exam. the break was a very much needed one and despite how A. felt, i dun think i should feel guilty: it's a fine balance between running yourself down and being hardworking. now i'm well rested i can really give my all for this final exam.... holidays was mainly just eating, shopping, enjoying life? but i did have a few patients to see, some more serious than the rest.... oh well, i hope all of them get better soon! =)
6/21/2008 04:21:00 PM , lovin till it hurts
Sunday, May 11, 2008
3 more weeks to home, or more accurately, 20 days.... it's strange how my feelings abt it behaves like a normal curve? first u start the sem/yr, u feel damn sian and u wanna just go home. then after that u sink into this super busy yr and u forget abt it. but now with 3 weeks left before going home, i start thinking abt it like every minute of the day! and each day seems to go DAMN LONG. anyway, spoke to L who was on the term i'm going into last rotation, she said it's good, and i dun have to show up in theater cos no one really cares anyway. which is good cos i hate theater? like it's name suggests, it's for wayang and the arrogant little pricks to show off.... plan i made with my partner-in-crime for this term was that we'll show up for some OPDs in wk 1, maybe 1 or 2. then wk 2 onwards we'll show up for ward rounds and then disappear. we'll get assessments done by end wk 2 and now show up on wk 3 cos of exams on wed and fri. actually, we should even get wk 2 off lor.... but let's not push it or we'll be in trouble....
sigh... i carn wait anymore... can time fastforward a bit???? :S
5/11/2008 01:59:00 PM , lovin till it hurts
Saturday, April 19, 2008
ok, i didn't feel like starting this early in the morning with work, so thought i shall spend a few minutes babbling here...=) O&G is now done thank god. the grades are well, alrite i guess, but i think i expected a little better? but retrospectively, i would have been happy with this when i first started that rotation, so i guess nothing to be upset about? paeds has been a holiday for the first 3 wks really, but now it's back to serious core stuff, so it will be a tougher few wks ahead. lectures on friday afternoon are badddd.... especially when they try a 4-5 hr lecture schedule back 2 back! that's just evil. our concentration wouldn't be all that good after 2 hrs (maybe 1 hr in my case? =p). i'm definitely going to write in my feedback sheet to split the lects into maybe 2 every afternoon, something like 1-3 or 2-4.
anyway, i've gotten my mail order dutch away jersey! it really is as good as it looks on screen! omg.... and thank god it's not the skin tight jerseys that's kinda "fashionable" with some of the designers nowadays. those i think really requires the right figure to wear it? if not can be quite embarassing lar....=p and my mail order CD should be here around mid-week? can't wait for that either....=)
anyway, i've been feeling that strange sense of lonliness all over again recently. that feeling u get when u see everyone around u happy with their gf/bf. i dun think it's jealousy, it's more of a wish and a sad realisation that u are getting older and it's really high time u get started on your social/love life? we docs tend to have such problems i'm told. the lucky few hooked up in med sch, the rest of us are hanging ard and hoping. well, i've made my choice at the moment if u asked me abt my feelings. i just hope and pray i've made the right choice abt who i'm after. dad once told me it's like the most impt decision u can make in this life, cos if u screw this one decision up, u can ruin your whole life or live it in total unhappiness. but he also once told me this decision is almost impossible to be certain when ur making it, cos unfortunately we often save the worst of us for after marriage. even knowing that person well may not reveal the truth about him/her. well, i guess in my case i've pretty much bared myself to her over the last few yrs. i've never held back and i've pretty much showed her the way i am.... i'd like to think i know her as well too, but god only knows if i do. and more importanly, god only knows if i'm doing the right thing and making the right choices....
4/19/2008 08:48:00 AM , lovin till it hurts
