That was the gospel today. As usual, my thoughts on it. We often accuse people of being "evil" and mistreating us, but to be honest how many of us have not done anything to hurt anyone as well. I'm sure either deliberately or unknowingly, we often hurt others, sometimes even deeper than what another person does to us. We find it so easy to be unforgiving to others, but yet so hard to ignore what others have done to us. We often seek only vengence. It is so difficult for us to love, but yet so easy to not forgive a person and to hate him. Jesus again shows us the love of God, for commiting adultery in the Old Testament of the Bible is a very serious offence as it goes against the Ten Commandments, the set of Law given by Yahweh himself. If Jesus himself forgives us for such sins, why can't we simply forgive others for much less? Again, the answer is love. If in this world, everyone tried their best to care and love a little more, it will change the whole world through and through. Let us all start with ourselves, me included. There is so much more I can do to be more loving to everyone.

    After being here for a while has made me remember my past again. When a person truly loves you, you never realised it until it's gone. Ju, it's about you again. It's like a spirit from my past refusing to leave me. It keeps haunting me every now and then. Our love was perfect back then, we really did love each other. Now thinking back of what she told me when we broke up, it makes sense all over again. She did love me, not in my sort of love, but she cared so much that's why she did what she did. It must have hurt her as much as it did to me, just that I was so blind I never realised it. She told me to go persue my dreams, to fulfill my truest and deepest potential and not to follow her blindly. She knew what I was capable of if I simply put my heart and soul to it. She couldn't let this go on because she knew she had my heart, though my soul was still mine. If she didn't do what she did then, maybe now I'll never be where I would be today. I would be stuck with much less than I actually can achieve in this life. She knew me well enough, just like I knew her. In a sense, I saw it coming as well. But she had been my inspiration throughout it all, and now I see the light of why she did things that had puzzled me back then. I was just being plain stupid. She loved me, but I doubted it. She allowed me to go, forcing me to fulfill my destiny, but yet I didn't want to.

    Ju, I know we will more than likely never see each other again, but after all these years, I have come to realise what lay beneath the surface. I didn't see it back then, I was just plain stupid. You had got me this far because you cared for me back then, and I believe deep inside you still do, just that me being the jerk that I was caused so much problems and hurt that it's going to be difficult to heal right now. Thanks always for the time we've been together, you were my love and my inspiration. A part of my heart will always be with you no matter what. I hope that one day our paths might cross again, that we may be reconciled with each other. Till that day comes, I guess all I'll have is the memories of you and me....

    It's strange, how Jesus can give his life to people so unworthy like us, but yet we find it difficult to just give a little time or effort to assist our fellow man in need. We're not anything close to giving our life for anyone, which is the greatest of all sacrifices, but just to spend some time, to help others when they need us, or to spend some time healing our broken friendships or relationships, it is already tough. We seem to enjoy living in brokeness, enjoying all the vices we know. But that's just life isn't it? It is the sinful things in life that we often find most pleasurable, but the most virtous and important things are very often things that will make us feel uncomfortable. More than often, man has their own selfish motives for doing things. I'm trying my best, but it also involves pain sometimes. When you care for a person, but that person seems oblivious to it, very very often, it hurts and you're tempted to just stop caring. I pray every night, that this will not be so for me, for it is to be unconditional that is the perfect love. Christ gave his life when we were still sinners, that we may now be children of God, he gave his life when man was still oblivious to the love of the Almighty. Every night I pray for that unconditional love, to be able to give to everyone I meet in my life.

    I've spoken to several people about why they chose to do medicine, or by some conversation find out the reason. Honestly, I am surprised at some of the reasons because I thought most people would share the same reasons as me. Apparently I am so wrong, because I only know one other person who shares exactly the same sentiment as me: Love and Passion. Some of the reasons I hear are that it is a stable job, they did it because their parents wanted them to or because their parents are doctors. I'm a little disappointed, but then again everyone has their reasons and as usual, it's me again: I'm different. But I still think passion is the most important factor, it is the thing that will keep you going when everything else runs dry. It is the thing that fuels the infatigable spirit. I've never been so happy studying what I'm studying now. I think that is what people term as passion, because only then you will be more than willing to devote your life to your studies. That is also the reason why you see some doctors are already old enough to be considered senior citizens, but yet they're still working. It was great to meet someone who feels the same as I do though, and even more so because she's a very dear friend of mine.

    It seems that I usually have enough thoughts to blog only over the weekend. Anyway, I was just thinking about my own love life. My heart's been broken once too many times. It's pretty strange because it keeps happening around the time of a major examination or when something big is happening in my academic life. The first time was during my O levels, that one was not too bad. What happened was that I was really close to this girl and kind of had some feelings for her, but the timing was way off and also we made great friends, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to threaten that beautiful friendship. But the problem was half the school knew about it and wouldn't let us off the hook! Back then I was this super successful lad, who was a great athelete and represented the school in almost every track and field meet and cross-country competitions. I held the fastest 2.4km run record as well. I was "feared" both on and off the track because I was academically one of the best in school, and later to prove the best in the school by becoming the top student in that school. This widespread rumour about my love life during that time was threatening to disorientate me and futhermore, my heart in honest truth was aching for her. Time passed and nothing developed but a beautiful friendship which has lasted till today. The wounds back then have healed over time nicely, because I guess that after all, she was more important as my friend than as a person I had or have a relationship with.

    Now in College, things went well at first, me and her leading different lifes, me having a few minor crushes here and there that did not really last that long. The next big thing that happened here was me in my first relationship, but not that it really counted on my books though, it was a long distance one. It happened in my last year in college and we met back in Australia when I was on attachment. It was a case of pretty much shared ideals, the way we thought about things and the way we saw things were the same. I had never met anyone with that firm a conviction and share the same strong views as me. But time put a strain on this and we eventually broke up by the end of the year. Fortunately for me, my mindset and determination on getting into Medicine was stronger than any sort of distraction or heartbreak a lady could put in my path. I did well enough to give myself a realistic chance of getting into medical school. But this heartbreak did not heal easy. I'm still feeling it all those years and back now as well. We had "Our Movie" and it was actually "You've Got Mail", the one starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. She felt that it was so like us since she was constantly communicating through the e-mail with me. She had also been my inspiration throughout the A Levels and just before we broke off. We always had this friendly competition on who performed better in the tests and exam, and she was really tough competition. I still miss her in my own quiet ways. Ju, if you're reading this, just want to say thank you for being my inspiration. Maybe it was never meant to be, but I'll always take the memories with me.

    The last experience had cut my heart deeply and eventually I began to build a wall around my heart, so that it will never break again. Perhaps if I didn't fall in love, my heart wouldn't break. I refused to have any romantic love in my life until I was sure about it working out. I didn't want to fall in love again since it was so hurtful. I told myself maybe in due time, when the time is right, I will fall in love again because I can't stand the thought of going through all the heartbreak and pain once more. Since I've came over to this new land, the wall has been in danger of collapsing twice now. The second time is more recent. The first, well, I'm over and done with. But now, it has happened again, my walls around my heart is going to collapse once more. What should I do? I don't want another heartbreak....

    Time has passed so quickly and before I know it, I've been here for more than a month now. Hardly missed home though, this is my heaven. Made a few new friends this week, not really made, but more of got to know them a little better. It helps that one of them is kinda cute. =) As for my vending machine friend, I guess.... well I dunno.... maybe let things be the way it's meant to be? Sometimes the best way to control a situation or a thing is to let it free fall and control itself. Maybe then the person will understand how much I did care and come to appreciate it? Maybe....

    On the academic side, I've never felt happier and more fulfilled by studying in my entire life. This is really the ultimate. I liked what I was studying back in my schooling days, but I never realise that studying could bring so much joy to a person. Though tired after a hard days' work, there is that sweet sense of pleasure and fulfillment that permeates my life after the day. I truly truly enjoy my work and I take lots of pride in it. I hope this feeling stays with me for the rest of my time here, because I heard about students turning bitter about the course after a few years. Not all, but just the small minority.