Saturday, December 31, 2005
I was just at a wedding of my cousin's the other day. Throughout the whole thing, ceremony, dinner and all, I think that mom was wrong about the family all the while. She kept thinking that the family was jealous of me ever since I got into med school. I think that is only true for one of them, not the rest. You see throughout the day I was being paraded around by my uncles and aunts as if I was the family's crown jewel. Normally it's only your parents who introduce you to strangers right? I was being introduced to random people by all my aunts and uncles as "our doctor" or "the smart one of the family". Kinda embarassing actually, because I never seeked fame or fortune when I chose to do med, or maybe I was simply ignorant to the fame it will bring in the future. I don't think I am smart either, I am just passionate about what I do which makes the difference. All these and their actions in the past of so-called "showing off" my results kinda told me they're proud of me more than anything else. The elder generation behaves in such a manner when they're proud of something and often we mistake their intentions. Mom once told me it's cos they're setting me up for a great fall. But from my angle and observation, I think that is not the case. It is rather they're "showing off" something they're proud of. I guess there's always 2 sides to a situation: You can choose to see the dark side or the side of goodness.
As usual, I had my usual few "patient" consultations during the day. Had an acute incident which I had to deal with on the spot as well. So far, for the record, I have NEVER steered them wrong. Never. Maybe it's cos the problems are obvious ones, at least to me they were. I knew what was going on from the moment they told me the complaint. Oh well, just glad I could be of some use to them....
12/31/2005 02:18:00 AM , lovin till it hurts
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Time for New Year Resolutions....=)
1. Be in my devestating top form for year 3 med. Yes, despite what everyone thinks, I HAVE NOT HIT MY PEAK. It's been a tough year, early in the year missing home and someone even more. Medical Student's Disease later on in the year was even more crippling, causing me to have borderline depression. Even my tutor knows, the world have yet to seen me at my very best. She keeps telling the big guns of the med fac that, I am still not at my best: if they think this is good, wait till they see me when I am totally well. Scary rite? Near perfect papers this year when I'm not at my best. Perfect papers will be easy to get when I am at my best. Wait and see....;)
2. Stop shooting myself in the ass. Medical Student's Disease is a fine example. Must stop being such an idiot next year. With great knowledge comes great power, and with that power comes great responsibility. That responsibility includes responsibility to yourself.
3. Be a more caring person. There have been times I have failed to care for those around me. Lord, forgive me, my friends forgive me. I will try harder in the future.
4. Be more understanding. I am sorry, I have failed you so many times cos I have been insensitive to your needs. I promise I will carry on trying, but I hope you can forgive me if I fail you. I know you're tired of hearing me say I will try and then I fail you again and again, I am so sorry.... I will try.... I promise.
5. Be more friendly. People who know me well know I am introverted by nature, but I can be nice as well. I can't change myself to be extroverted, but I can try to be friendly and nice when needed I guess....
Ok, New Year Resolutions done. Here's to a better year everyone. Please pray for me, I want to leave the disaster of last year behind me. Forget everything. =)
12/29/2005 11:41:00 AM , lovin till it hurts
Monday, December 26, 2005
Been talking a lot to dad and my friends about my future over the last one month or so.... It seems more and more likely I will rather be working in Australia. A lot of things have been said both ways, but the decision is mine and at the moment, it is looking that way. Like the old saying goes, "Man cannot discover new continents if he is too afraid to lose sight of the shore."
You know, a few of my friends have been telling me to stay, and all they say is "Singapore needs a doctor like you...." Bullshit. If they needed me in the first place, they won't have treated me this way. All those memories are still in my head. They don't need me. They need their cronies who have no idea what they are doing and are there simply cos they're friends. This country has no place for a person with passion like me. I really shouldn't stay. The sick, poor and dying need me, not this country. One day, when I become Prof Seow, then I will tell all. But for now, silence is golden.... those who know me well enough know my story, and those who know me as well, will know there is a very good chance that one day, this place will regret the decision of not taking me in when they could. I gave them the chance, but they said no.... oh well.... things happen for a reason.
12/26/2005 08:12:00 PM , lovin till it hurts
Sunday, December 25, 2005
i've sat down and i've thought.... i'm going to close my doors to anything remotely related to an r/s until after i graduate.... syonara cruel world.... no wrong ideas to anyone yah? friends i dun mind, in fact i think i should be more open in that respect, but NO MORE FEELING SAD AND PATHETIC ABOUT MYSELF..... causing unnecessary stress when my life is stressful enough.... i will try to will my mind to stop thinking so much....
12/25/2005 12:03:00 AM , lovin till it hurts
Saturday, December 24, 2005
You know, I really shouldn't care, but my heart still yearns for you. You are the only one there can ever be. This game is getting stupid, why can't we just get back to what we were? I don't understand why it is so difficult for you, and you never helped me understand either. Everytime I see how sweet and nice you can be to everyone else, it just hurts so so much. Each time I see that, it is just a kick in the gut, it is like mocking me, "see how nice I can be? You will never have that." I know you don't mean it, but it's starting to seem like you enjoy seeing me beg, suffer and be in this pathetic state. You could simply allow everything to be back to normal, I won't say a thing about what has happened. How can you ever ever find it in your heart to hurt so badly a person you once loved so dearly? I can't. I never will. That's why I cannot understand why you can do this deliberately. I'm sorry, but you know I've always been direct, I hope if you read this it doesn't hurt you. I never meant it to. I just want everything back to normal, where I can chat with you like we used to, be friends like we used to. Or am I just an old toy, you played enough with and just choose to chuck aside never to be played with again.... I can forgive everything, I still can, no questions asked. Becuase it is so so simple: I LOVE YOU. NOTHING ELSE, NO ONE ELSE IN THIS WORLD MATTERS.
12/24/2005 01:24:00 AM , lovin till it hurts
Thursday, December 22, 2005
ok, this one's for Mich. I'm not going to arrow anyone to continue with this k? hah.... here are the 5 random facts, thos I think for you might not be so random cos I prob told you before one. To the rest of you, it may be random, cos I might have told you that before as well.
1. I change a handphone like every year or less. Fact. Because it's so cheap back home and also because it's like changing clothes to me? Something new and interesting everytime! =D
2. I have absolutely no fashion sense. I just dress whatever I can get my hands on in my cupboard. I really don't care about colours etc, although half my closet is blue. Most of my clothes are actually bought by my mom because I generally don't shop for clothes. I love to be casual, and some people tell me I don't look/dress/behave like a doctor. Why should I? And what's with behaving/looking like a doc anyway? I'm still a student, and I don't intend to change my style in the future. Potential future wife take note: One of my criteria is the ability to shop for clothes for me! hahahahaha!!!
3. I was a X-country runner. I sure don't look like one now, cos I've put on considerable amounts of weight since my running days when I was thin as a skeleton. My 2.4km record still stands in my sec sch for a 15 year old. So it's been there for almost 7 years. Unfortunately that wasn't the actual test! I did a few seconds worse on the actual one. =(
4. I'm easily amused, but also easily bored. I get bored doing something quite easily, but if I stick to it, you can tell I'm going to stick to it and I'm serious about the matter. Example med. But I can be entertained fairly easily as well. I don't mind just going out for a coffee with friends.
5. I was considered the idiot of the family for a long time. In fact, this has been the case since I was a kid until I was 16 years old or so. I was really clumsy and careless as a kid, which explains the stitches all over my face and my eyebrow. Now everyone in the family is turning to the "idiot" for advice. The irony of it.
ok, and those are your 5 random facts!! =D
12/22/2005 07:33:00 PM , lovin till it hurts
Saturday, December 17, 2005
My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my saviour.
For He has regarded the lowly state of his maidservant;
For behold, henceforth all generations will call me blessed.
For the almighty has done great things for me, holy is His name.
His mercy is on those who fear Him, from generation to generation.
He has shown strength with His arm;
He has scattered the proud and put down the mighty from their thrones.
He has exalted the lowly.
The hungry He fills with good things, and the rich He sents away empty.
He has helped his servant Israel, in rememberance of His mercy.
As he spoke to our fathers, to Abraham and to his children forever.The Magnificat. I think I am saying the same prayer as Mary was then. Lord, you have called me those 8 years ago, those long 8 years ago, when I was a person whom no one wanted or was interested in, when I was considered a failure and no school wanted anything to do with me. My relatives considered me somewhat of a village idiot. But Lord, you had mercy on me, You chose me and I answered your calling in my life. The last 8 years have been very hard, with so many trying times. My faith was tested on so many occasions and at times, I doubted if I was right to answer the call. But You chose me, I didn't choose you, and You took me on eagle's wings, allowing me to soar higher than I have ever dare dreamed. Lord you had mercy on me, a poor sinner, and called me beyond my sins to love like You did, to cure like You did, to care like You did. Lord, grant me the strength to do just that, help me never to lose my patience, and if I fail, forgive my sins and help me to do what is right in Your eyes. Even in those trying times, I still heard your voice within me, saying "My Dearest Child, I know. Do not be afraid, I am with You. I called You, and I will see you through this." I was weak, I doubted, but still You saw me through. Lord continue to guide me and lead me to where You would want me to be.
Lord, recently I felt your prompting again. What do you want of me Lord? How do you want me to serve You? You know I will answer You, but Lord, where to now? I can sense Your calling in my life. Where do You want me to go? What do you want of me now? Lord, I do not understand.... please, send me your Spirit to open my eyes, that I may see clearly where You want me to be....
12/17/2005 05:21:00 PM , lovin till it hurts
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
I thought of finally doing a so-called year end blog entry. In summary, my year has been a living nightmare. Fortunately I am gradually recovering from the nightmare, slowly waking up and thinking forward to a hopefully better year.
Depression wasn't funny at all when it kicked in. It was a really trying period of time, considering the docs decided against medications. But now that I've recovered, maybe the docs were right all along in saying that I have a very strong and determined personality which helps me overcome it. Just thank God it's all over for that part.
Academically, the year hasn't been tough. I have been able to handle it well. The only hiccups were the triple jump papers, but thank God again, NO MORE TRIPLE JUMPS IN YR 3!!! That exam is so ridiculous.... it's just to boost Ted Cleary's ego. It's an exam where u must think like Ted Cleary to pass! What sort of ridiculous requirement is that? Think like Ted Cleary exam.... But also, a lesson learnt is I SHALL NOT FEAR. FEAR IS A MIND KILLER, CAUSES MOMENTS OF SHEER STUPIDITY WHEN I KNOW I AM BETTER THAN THAT. The final triple jump should have been easy, but I allowed fear to grab hold of me. In fact, like my tutor told me, I am better than anyone in this bloody cohort. The exams should be a shoo-in, anytime, anywhere. All I need now is to instill mental discipline in myself, and then they will know the devestating effects of me at full-strength....;)
My Dearest Girl, again I wanna tell you, you have been my only reason to smile this year and I still thank God for you. I'm glad you have been answering my e-mails more recently, and you know how I feel about everything in those e-mails. I just hope things can return to the way they were. When I am with you, nothing else matters and you know that.
The fact that I passed, maybe brought some comfort, some sense of getting up from the nightmare. Not that it makes me smile, but I prefer to see it as not the final crushing blow to a bad year. Now I can move on....
Lord, this year has been bad, but still I want to thank you for Her, someone I love with all my heart and soul. I also want to thank you for allowing me through to year 3 smoothly. I know that you are with me, but Lord, my faith is weak, I doubt, despite you telling me once "I know, my dearest child, I know. I am with you, I will lead the way, do not fear...." But despite my insecurities, my inability to trust in you, you were there. You were strong when I was weak, You were my sword and my armour. You have truly blessed me with a gift and I know that. Help me Lord, in the year ahead to use this gift to serve you faithfully and truthfully. Amen.
12/14/2005 12:46:00 AM , lovin till it hurts
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Results on Monday. I'm praying for a miracle to pass. Lord please, I've suffered enough this year, it's been unbearable, i've walked through hell, been down, and even when I was down, this year has still found a way to kick me in the gut. Please, at least give me one final reason to smile, at least I know in spite of all my suffering, I somehow survived. I don't need another kick in the gut this hellish year.... please.... I don't know how I'll bear it up anymore.... The time back home has taken away some of the pain Lord, I don't need my results going bad to remind me of how bad my year has been.
"Jesus Son of David, have mercy on my and hear my cries...."You have been the only good thing for me this year, you know who you are.... despite everything, I Love You. Please take care and don't shut the door on me again.... You have never ever for a minute been a bad thing, no matter what you thought.... =)
12/10/2005 01:13:00 AM , lovin till it hurts
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Food for Thought, I got this from a book, a conversation between 2 lepers:
".... We're all lepers, growing numb, then breaking off bit by bit. But this disease isn't just about what happens to the outside of a person. No, a leper is a visible picture of what the human soul looks like when sin takes over a life. When a person becomes numb to sin, he is eaten alive by it. That's why Outside people fear us so. Our bodies are the external image of corrupt souls. And yet I look at you and know it's possible for a beautiful soul to live in spite of physical suffering."
"Can a soul be
tsara? Can a heart have leprosy? Can the inner man be so numb he no longer feels and so increases his injury day by day? God's mercy could heal such a heart. I believe it. Forgive and heal. Restore the feeling. Bring back what is eaten away in us."
12/04/2005 01:53:00 AM , lovin till it hurts
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Kerr, can u fix my blog pls? I think it's a little too plain looking....
Anyway, decided to start blogging because I find that games aren't giving much pleasure anymore. After a while, I just tire of it. My life feels so empty still some times. Something is missing in my life, but what? Why was I happy last time, but now am left with a soul-searching feeling? I don't know my final results for med yet, although I survived the first call-ups, meaning it's either a fail or a pass now. Med completes me, I am happy with it, but I find sometimes that I need to be cared for myself as well. I spend my life caring for others, but sometimes, I just hope that people can pick up on the signals that I'm feeling down, and sometimes, I know they can do something about it, but they don't. Is my life all about caring for others? Am I meant to be the perpetual Simon, bearing the crosses of others, while no one cares to help me with mine? If this is so, let Your will be done Lord, but give me strength.
I love to chat with people online, but there are some I truly miss, who are never online. I also feel guilty about bothering others by chatting with them too frequently. I just don't want to become bothersome to others. I wish I could just blank all these feelings out of my mind, not to feel anymore, not to miss, not to love, not to care..... will I be happy then? But that's the whole reason why everyone I know thinks I will make a great doctor (I'm not bragging here, those comments were mostly passed spontaneously, I didn't even ask for their opinion): Because, I care deeply, I love people as far as I can, I love my subject with my life and I can communicate in an effective manner..... the irony of it all: the qualities that make me good are now making me feel sad. Cos I also care about my friends, I care about my broken friendships and relationships with others, this then causes me angst. Not caring is definitely not the way out here, I will lose who I am if I do that. And I pray, Lord, help me to find a solution to my problems, give me the strength I need, for you called me to serve, and I answered your call. Help me to find a way to solve these problems in my life. Amen.
12/01/2005 12:23:00 AM , lovin till it hurts
